Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Tales from the Istana - Part 7 (Sammyboy)

by scrobal
25 April 2006

99826.1

Last night , Istana Domain (location classified) - 11.10am Temp 21 C

Control: Babirussa Control to Babirussa One, over.

Babirussa One: Send over.

Control: Heavy Static in the air, warm body sensors unable to pick up movement on path 1 and path 6. Are God and Double O Seven at your location over.

Babirussa One: Confirmed over, the 2 old farts at it again after missing for 3 nights, ..........Roger and Out

Behind Guardhouse, 11.11pm, Temp 25C , Strong northerly, air heavy with static

Pres: Looks like you are no longer running the elections

Old Man: Bro, I told you that before, I stepped down long time ago. No body believes me. Always accusing me of pulling the strings. I don't even wear the pants in my house.

Pres: Pleeez, give me a break. Its only recently. One can clearly see that the elections approach is a lot more friendly for everyone including the opposition. Wow, even got friendly reminder to Steve to put his papers in. Last time, the counter staff will keep quiet. By the way, you are not the only male who does not wear the pants in their house. It more like half the brotherhood.

Old man: Bro, lets see how it goes. This generation as I have been repeatedly been told over the last few days is our future with a mind of their own.

Pres: Boss, let them choose their future. We should relax, maybe play a few elvis records and sip teh o.

Old Man: Everytime I want to relax, the asshole of a Chee keeps opening his mouth. Bloody hell, that night, I was cruising in Sammyboy, when my son called about suing the bum. I wanted to screw the shit out of my son as it was his bloody wife that supported that egoistical megalomaniac Durai. Unfortunately Choo was next to me.So diam, diam say yes.

Pres: Boss, give him a break, that guy got to tan chiak.

Old Man: Bro, this guy doesn't know what he wants to be, politician, human rights activist, ghandi, Che Guvera, or a Koyok salesman. Anyway I can't belief one guy can destroy a party thru slow death. I am sick and tired of him. A real chee bye character. At least with Harbans, entertainment value was high.

Pres: Wah, you really upset with the guy.

Old Man: Yah lah, every elections, I am always the bad guy, so I thought, this time, no law suit, I will be a nice guy. I also got feelings mah. That fucker really spoilt it.

Pres: Boss, I am curious, why be nice to the opposition. You even endorsed Low and Chiam as gentlemen. Whats the story?

Old Man: Last week, if you remember I was trying to contact Jamie Han. No Luck, mother too strong. Then I remember what one old fart who used to make my shoes told me. I was complaining that despite all my troubles, I still get many people voting for the opposition.

Old Man: He said, you cannot paint the whole house white. He also said it does not matter if you buy ICI paint. There must be colour and there must be contrast. If your whole house is white, it becomes boring to stay at home and life will be meaningless.

Pres: Boss, very chim, but good advice. How come you did not take it then.

Old Man: That time I was arrogant so I just let it slide.

Pres: So you admit you are arrogant.

Old Man: Bro, I also wayang during the dialogue. How can you as a National Leader and bring a 3rd world country to the first World without being arrogant.

Pres: No wonder, suddenly see the party candidates wearing colourful t-shirts and not the traditional white.

Old man: Aiyah, even then, one young punk, came wearing white belt and white shoes, thought that he was being arty farty. We probably lost a few hundred votes there.

Pres: Even the press seems to be focusing on the opposition and painting them positively. Is it some kind of plan.

Old man: Bro, no plan, your reading too much of Sidney Sheldon. After the dialogue, the 7 young journalist have become role models. Everyone now wants a piece of our ass to prove their independence, their courage and bravado.

Pres: Boss, are you cutting it too thin. Suppose you guys loose badly.

Old man: Bro, we are in control unless we continue to have couple of jokers in our team making silly statements.

Pres: Boss, i know what you mean. That mama can really drama. Making comments about RCs needed for emergencies and bomb attacks.

Old man: Aiyah, he lost the plot long time ago. Even if no RCs, human beings in any diaster will come rushing down to help with the Malays noted particularly for their neighbourliness. They are complaining about too many balls carriers who are after favours and the political links between RCs and Government.

Pres: hmmm...Lets see how Bedok will perform.

Old man: So you think, Bedok might fall.

Pres: 50/50. Heres the weakness. 2 liabilities before the game has started. The guy who drew up the fucked up manifesto is in that GRC and with lead man making silly statements, its not good. But if WP fields Chia and not Sylvia , then there is a chance.

Old Man: Bro, tired of talking, want to go for supper.

Pres: First time, you asked. Its always me that feels hungry.

Old Man: We cannot go to Koek Rd anymore.

Pres: Yah, lah Boss, the last time we went there, so many people turned up, all sitting around and they seem to waiting for someone to turn up. Best avoid it.

Old Man: Lets go to Redhill MRT, the carrot cake at the Hawker Centre is thumbs up. Guaranteed melt in your mouth, well fried.

Pres: Got easy link card.

Old Man: Bro, You mad or what, where got MRT now. Take taxi lah.

Pres: Ok, just hope we don't flag down an graduate driving taxi.

Old man: Aiyah, this time I manage to borrow 2 kilat wigs from Othman Wok, Real class, makes me look handsome. They won't recognise us.

Pres: Ok. lah.

Tales from the Istana - Part 6 (Sammyboy)

by scrobal
20 April 2006

99176.1


Last night , Sri Temasek, cloakroom - 7.30pm Temp 22 C

Old Man: psst, psst

Pres: Huh

Old Man: Over here, meet me tonight, same place, same time

Pres: Waah lau ahh, I thought it was Shenton Thomas' ghost. OK will see you there.

Behind Guardhouse at 11pm, Temp 24C, dead calm

Pres: Boss, whats with the cloakroom?

Old Man: I will explain later. Firstly I want you to be completely honest with me.

Pres: Boss, I have served you over 44 yrs, know of only one boss and thats you.

Old Man: Are you the one writing the Istana tales in Sammyboy.

Pres: Bloody Hell, I thought it was you. All the time I thought it was you.

Old man: Why would I want to air my views thru a sex forum

Pres: Look, I have been smoking beedi behind the guardhouse from the 1st week of my first term. You know my wife will brutalise me if she caught me smoking. The only time, the Tales appear is when I talk to you.

Old Man: You mean, there are others that join you behind the guardhouse.

Pres: Panjang used to come until he gave up his PMship. However he only comes to eat Orluck and Kway Chap. He gets his driver to buy Kway Chap from Blanco Court and the Orluck from Hup Kee at Newton Circus. Orluck on Tuesdays and Kway Chap on Thursday without fail except when he goes overseas. I also shiok, join in. Now you know why I put on so much weight.

Old man: If it is not you, then who. Anyway, the Ah Pek from Blanco Court has gone to Serangoon Gardens.

Pres: Aiyah, when Tengku threw us out of Malaysia, both sides put in so many bugs that we could not find all of them.

Old man: That time got bugging device meh.

Pres: Yah lah, they used to be the size of a palm so we had to bury it into the ground.

Pres: Aiyah nothing to worry. Nobody believes the things in a sex site forum anyway.

Old Man: Friend, that site gets about 48K hits a day. That is big.

Pres: So what, have you seen some of the idiots in the Sammyboy. If you say something, they want proof, copy of the orginal letter etc. This is despite what the whole knows as common knowledge. Thats the beauty of the forum the smart ones get the message and it is also the smart ones that get their message thru.

Old Man: Come to think, we are both past 80 and have nothing to loose.

Old man: Ok, now more importantly I have found the solution to the Sylvia Lim problem.

Pres: Tell me, this I got to hear.

Old Man: Before I tell you the solution there are couple of unanswered questions that I need answers to.

Pres: What?

Old man: How come at Koek Rd last night, the China meimeis were talking to you and ignored me.

Pres: Firstly they are Peidu mamas, the meimeis are at geylang, joo chiat and all the night spots. Secondly they thought you were a banana because of your ascent. For god's sake, you can drop the name Harry but you still speak like a cambridge graduate. The ladies are only interested in Singapore old men with CPF.

Old Man: I can't help it. How you think we got the British to give us Independence.

Pres: There you go again, talking about war stories. You have to be relevant for this generation.

Old Man: Aiyah, that's my solution, to be relevant to the new generation. You were right, the dialogue was bad. You remember Jamie Han

Pres: Sure do. Who doesn't

Old man: That guy gave me both barrels and was cool as a cucumber. He did not bat an eyelid. The best part is that he is not a scholar nor was he overseas trained. He is however academically an achiever having scored honours in history. Singaporeasn will love him.

Pres: You want Jamie Han to join the PAP?

Old man: Thats the reason I was in the cloakroom. I was using the phone to call him without anyone knowing.

Pres: Any luck.

Old Man: His Mother keeps answering the phone and everytime I introduce myself, she says that she is Zoe Tay and slams down the phone.

Pres: Boss, did you see Zoe Tay's abs. Kilat. My brother immediately mari kita, some more wear sari.

Old Man: Bro, can you keep your shrivelled up dick in your pants and pay attention.

Pres: What did you expect Jamie's mum to say.

Old Man: How then to contact Jamie.

Pres: What makes you think that he will want to join the PAP. He was all brimstone and fire. He is not going to change overnight like that skinny idiot.

Old Man: I am going to give him free rein. He does not have to wear white, drink teh si and suck up. That guy has got balls and he does not suffer fools easily.

Pres: You know what, the balls carriers at that time also called him rude and impolite like what they are doing to the dialogue participants

Old Man: There you have it. We just found the missing generation, the ones to take Singapore to the next level. If he does not want to join the pap, I will lower all the barriers, level the playing field and get these guys to jump into the Political cauldron. I am convinced that they will not sink and will do the country proud.

Pres: Boss, you are bringing tears to my eyes. Reminded me of the old days when we were all young, with the British, the Malayans and the Indonesian giving us not a ray of hope.

Pres: What about the PAP.

Old Man: If they are really good they have nothing to fear. Even if they don't measure up, they will make an effective opposition.

Pres: Finally a 2 party state. These are exciting times.

Old man: Don't get your hopes up, we still need to get past Zoe Tay, I mean Jamie's mum.

Pres: You know when we lost the 3 amigos, I thought we as a nation was a goner.

Old man: What 3 amigos?

Pres: Aiyah, Cheng Bock, Kai Yuen and Soo Khoon. They were the ones that asked the hard questions, kept the ministers and the scholarly Mandarins in check. It was a big mistake. You know the 3 of them did more than anyone else for the last 20 years.

Old Man: Yah, I remember Cheng Bock crucified Philip Yeo over the Horn Lee / scholarship issue. Look I don't run the show.

Pres: Come on. Even during the dialogue, the guy told you about pulling the strings. When the Malaysian SIA pilot Ryan Goh, tried to be funny, you came out swinging. I was smoking behind the guardhouse and I saw the pilots leaving, it was like watching a funeral cortege.

Pres: You think we can make it to Chomp Chomp for the Kway Chap.

Old Man: No lah, close by now. Lets go back for the stingray.

Pres: We only go back for the stingray if you promise not to squeeze the lime dry. That lime is for taste. Your whole life, you must squeeze until there is nothing to squeeze.

Old man: Ok lah. Anyway, I brought money this time. I also want to use the public phone to try to get Jamie.

Pres: Good luck with the phone. There will be a long queue as every bangla, pinoy, croatian, russian. english, american FT is calling home.

Old man: English and Americans are expats, they don't need to use the public phone.

Pres: You are really out of touch. Why you think the locals are unhappy. We even give employment pass to rednecks from Alabama, whose life is a pendulumn swinging between a fart and a burp while holding a budweiser.

Old Man: Aiyah hurry up.

Pres: Give me 10 minutes, I need to change to a new sarong. I don't want the Peidu mamas to think I got no class.

Old man: I too better change my singlet. That reminds me, we need to talk about Joo Chiat and Soo Sen when we reach there.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Tales from the Istana - Part 5 (Sammyboy)

by scrobal
19 April 2006

99075.1


Ante Room: Last night at 7.15pm, Temp 21C

Old Man: Bro, got sometime to chat. Need to talk badly.

Pres: the Mrs is going back to Ceylon Rd tonight for the weekend, I can tell her that I need to review the national accounts. See you behind the guardhouse at 11pm.

Old Man : Ok.

Behind Guardhouse: 11pm, 23C, north easterly blowing gently

Pres: What's up boss, you look tired.

Old Man: Can't sleep for the last few nights.

Pres: Its the dialogue, isn't it.

Old Man: No, lah, its Sylvia Lim

Pres: I too think that she is a chio bu. Sometime can't sleep myself.

Old man: Don't be an idiot, get your mind out of the gutter. By the way, the only Chio Bu is Glenda Han.

Pres: Wat about Sylvia.

Old man: Her silence is deafening. She literally body slammed Hen and now he started to stammer at cabinet meeting. He is thinking of becoming a priest. He thought he can make her talk about the manifesto.

Pres: Got to admit, the manifesto looks good. We should have kept quiet.

Old Man: we thought they will be like JB and Chee who will launch into a tirade which we will then customarily break down. She basically told Hen to fuck off and get his own.

Pres: I told you in 1981, that someone will figure out the game sooner or later. Imagine, even in the latest press interview, she talked about everything under the sun except politics. One smart bitch.

Old Man: I screwed the shit of that stupid nephew- in- law of mine. How come they did not talent spot her.

Pres: Aiyah, they would have missed her out completely. You spent the last 20 years picking scholars.

Old Man: No lah, every GE we pick a few chinese helicopters.

Pres: Yah lah, Besides academic performers, helicopters and party ball carriers, there is no other category. There is a broad stratum of society that you have missed out completely.

Old man: Ok, ok thanks for the lesson on representational politics. I badly need help. If Loong does badly, my life will be a living hell. Choo will fry me for breakfast.

Pres: look, there is no way that the party can loose. The opposition will retain their 2 current seats and gain one more. The chicku man can continue to wait under the tree, Sitoh needs to get a brain transplant, come on...., bribing with food, what kind of strategy is that. The only way that you can take back Potong Pasir is for Ah Goh to publicly slap Sitoh silly. Frankly you are insulting the residents' intelligence.

Old Man: Which seat will we loose. Tell me Bro. I will go there and do house to house.

Pres: Please lah boss, after the dialogue with the young Singaporeans even if you kiss their ass, its not going to help. You will be hard pressed to sell koyok. The vote has reached a new generation that don't take kindly to bullshit and fairy tales.

Old man: What fairy tales?

Pres: Your stories about riding the Tiger. The last I heard, Lenin, Mao and Stalin are ancient history. Chin is suntanning in a Thai peace village. China is riding the dollar bill. Lim Chin Siong and Devan passed away. Remember NKF and Durai's downfall was precipitated by a petition initiated by an NSman. Our Generation failed. In fact, when the writing was on the wall, Mrs Ah Goh and your daughter in law supported him. Fuck, we did nothing, absolutely nohting despite regulations to intervene in place.

Old Man: But the dialogue was a success. The journalists there wrote favourable articles.

Pres: Hello! At the start of the dialogue, they asked for a level playing field. In the middle of the dialogue, they asked for a level playing field. At the end of the dialogue, they asked for a level playing field. One, even told you to contribute out of the cabinet. For the very first time, you failed to convince anyone of them. Go watch the tape again. What happenned to you - you suddenly turned deaf and dumb.

Old man: but the favourable articles the next day.

Pres: Remember when I first retired, you made me Chairman of SPH, to keep an eye on them. Instead of wasting resources and time keeping track of everyone, once a week, I would ask a journalist walking along the corridor if I had lost weight. Guess what? Every single one of them said yes. I knew then that our job was done. You yourself said that they are world best paid journalist.

Old man: For heaven's sake, which seat are we going to loose. Is it Aljunied.

Pres: No Lah, George is safe. I will tell you on nomination day when they file their papers.

Old Man: You mean some of the key players have not made up their mind.

Pres: Yes, they are playing the game well. Look, more Singaporeans know more about Sylvia, Steve, Glenda and a host of other opposition characters then your new slate of 24 newbies. Every single one of them looks like a clone, talks like a clone and we are not sure if they going to last more than one term. They are supposed to represent a generation that gew up with starbucks and playstations. Yet during walkabout, they drink kopi si ans Teh Si at kopitiam.

Pres: What's more, the 23 that had to step down, claimed that they made the decision to step down citing family, work etc. Its worse then pigs flying, the party credibility is shot to pieces.

Pres: Boss, feeling thirsty and a bit hungry, let get some supper. We can talk over a hot cup of teh tarik

Old Man: I think I need Teh Halia, more kuat than usual.

Pres: Lets ask the security detail.

Old man: No way, after that mad girl gave away her gun, I scared one.

Pres: Ok, lets scale the wall

Old man: How the hell can a fat bastard like you can climb a wall.

Pres: Ok lah, take the side gate and wear devan's wigs. Outside Siglap and Adam Rd, I am not familiar with the food.

Old Man: Lets go to Koek Road, the teh tarik is good. Its just across the street, just have to dash across CTE. Next to it, the bbq stingray at Cuppage Plaza is a killer. Also its a good opportunity to get some feedback from the man in the street.

Pres: You really lost the plot. What man in the street. The only man in the street is an FT. Singaporeans are staying at home not able to spend as they have been retrenched or they are driving taxis or studying hard to get a scholarship or learning a new skill or having an RC meeting to get lobang.

Old man: What about the hawkers?

Pres: Aiyah, they are all Malaysians with PRC helpers. The fucking mama selling Teh Tarik is the only Singaporean and even he goes back to India every year to complete building a big house back in his village. He can't be bothered about HDB, CPF or medicare. Some more no Singapore women would allow their husband to venture out at night in case they get raped by China MeiMeis

Old man: How to get feedback then.

Pres: I get mine from Sammyboy.

Old man: Sammyboy again. I know, I know, there are great contributors and there are arseholes but are they really a true sounding board.

Pres: Oh Fuck, even SPH gets some its scoop from it. More people have corresponded with Goh Meng Seng than any MP. Just tolerate some of the characters in it. By the way, the old warhorse QXP is still there singing your family anthem. Then there is this guy who is fixated with Chee's wife. My favourite is Johnboy who gives as good as he gets.

Old Man: the only advise that i take is from Lambaste's grandmother.

Pres: Hey! how come I always wear the wig that has a reddish streak. I look gay.

Old Man: I say, we should have asked Othman Wok for some spare wigs. That guy has got the best set. By the way, make sure your sarong doesn't get caught by the side gate. The last time, my singlet got ripped by it.

Pres: Boss, please tell me you brought money this time.

Old man: Bloody hell we raised your salary, didn't we.

Pres: Hey, you mentioned that we have to cross the CTE. Imagine if an ex- banker who is a taxi driver spots us, we are dead. Sure ram us down.

Old man: I got an idea. Lets hold hands, they might think that we are a gay couple and leave us alone. Hurry, I can smell the stingray.

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