Friday, August 25, 2006
Tales from the Istana - Part 11 (Sammyboy)
by scrobal
25 August 2006
115631.1
West Wing, the Jade Bedroom, 6.45am - Sun's ray creeping slowing across the room thru the french windows.
Mrs Pres: Deh, wake up, I heard something hit the windows. Can you check.
Pres: Please lah, you are hallucinating again. I did not hear it. Let me sleep another 5 minutes.
Mrs Pres: Aiyoh, I heard it again, someone is throwing stones at the window.
Pres: Let me check.
Old Man: psst, psst, meet me same place but at 10.15pm
Pres: ok
Mrs Pres: What was it
Pres: No lah, just the gardener clearing the ground below.
Behind the Guradhouse, 10.15pm, 22C, cool light breeze, smell of teh gayong drifting from the guardhouse with dash of laksa lemak hanging in the air
Pres: What's up. Why the hurry
Old Man: Sorry, I had to rush for my medical and my calendar was full and had to let you know early.
Pres: You know I alwasy will be here by 11pm if I am not at Ceylon Road
Old Man: Aiyah Bro, I am still under curfew. Got to get back by midnight and I got a lot on my mind.
Pres: What on your mind mind.
Old Man: Its Black Eyed Peas and their song "My Humps" continously playing in my mind. I havent' slept for 2 days. Its driving me crazy.
Pres: I got news for you - you are not the only one. I think half the nation is having that song played in their mind. Boss, but I got to tell you that stacy ferguson is one solid chick. Did you know that she got Red Indian blood in her mixed with Irish or something.
Old Man: Bro, you know I was never into pop culture until I saw fergie and now I am a hip hop fan. Its also easy on our bones as you only have to sway to the beat, no need to lift your feet.
Pres: I know, I know, cool ain't it.
Old man: Shit, Bro, you always side track me. I am serious. What can we do about Mr Brown.
Pres: Boss, you got to admit, both he and Mr Miyagi did a fabulous job with that podcast. Jean Paul Satre will be delighted. Did you know that kids love it but they have no clue but they are delighted that its the PM singing.
Old man: Look, I admit that HL made a mistake raising the Ba Chor mee epsiode, but this guys riposte was unbelievable. We are the laughing stock of the nation.
Pres: You know boss, if you think about it, compared to Mr Brown, Chee is harmless. Instead of chasing him from pillar to post, should have left him to his own devices. He does not resonate with the man in the street.
Old man: Aiyah, my whole world is topsy turvy. No other person including JB or Tang made us look this silly. We need to neutralise this and real quick.
Pres: I can tell you now that it will not happen.
Old man: Why not Bro.
Pres: We have achievers in Govt and in the civil service and we associate ourselves with achievers. Our gauge starts with perfect scores in the A Level and we don't make allowance for raw talent, the committed and the concern. Look how we responded to Mr Brown when his article came out in Today - no class, very brash and very authoritarian. Why do we pay someone so highly for writing trash
Old Man: We had to do it, he played outside the boundaries.
Pres: I know that and I also know that we had to cut him off. However as I said before - there are many ways to skin a cat but we don't have the talent to do it. For Heaven's sake, this guy publishes his family photos on the web. One look and you know he has the model family. We whack like he was dressed in storm tropper grab, with nazi insignias and tattoos. And that is not appreciated.
Old Man: So how Bro. Let him go?
Pres: Let start being transparent. Lets not hold parties in Zouk or to try to act cool, lets not wear white belt, white shoes and try to appear glam. Lets also not tell the people how we catch spiders and play with kampong kids. For christ sake, we got post 65 MPs telling about kampongs when most Singaporeans only remember HDB estates. Lets avoid Laksa, Mee Siam, Koh Loh Mee and Telok Tahu as well.
Old Man: I see your point. Lets not pretend who we are and lets bring in capbale people who might not have the formal grades.
Pres: Lets also give people like Chee a little space, he is a good diversion.
Old Man: You know WP and the rest of the AP have to be careful, they are now playing our game.
Pres: I won't even go there. Parliament has not even sat, yet Sylvia Lim is hopping the limelight.
Old Man: Yah, the media is not favouring us.
Pres: Pleeeez, those assholes buried HL good and proper coming out with the Mee Siam mai Hiam. Which idiot orders Mee Siam by saying that. Clearly they are trying to suck up and they also proved that they they have no clue about Hokkein, the food and what people do. At least HL had more class and sent in a correction. Those assholes still did not apologise to HL for making him look silly.
Old Man: I got a brilliant idea. Its a killer,Bro.
Pres: Oh No, don't try and assassinate Mr Brown.
Old man: No you idiot, lets slowly make him the editor of ST. We will kill 2 birds with one stone. Get rid of balls carrying assholes and put a genuine talent in their place.
Pres: Marvellous. Now I know why you are the boss.
Old man: I always knew I had it. In all my National Rallys, I always uncovered new grounds, did paradigm shifts and people took notice. I was the best.
Pres: Aiyah, you are loosing the plot. Its a digital age, podcast are in and we need the talent to mix music and come across well.
Old Man: Lets start now, I can borrow my granson's audio mixer, get couple of songs and do own podcast, blogs and we are in business. After all, all we do is talk cock.
Pres: Why don't we get Philip as well. He always seems to know the shortcuts. He might even entice Mr Miyagi to cross over
Old man: I want to do it the old fashion way. I am not interested in hiring foreign talent when we have not tried. Look at our Sports. We bring in talent and they are suing us desite doing shit. In sports you can't hide. If you did not win, you did not win and you are loser. No one can cover for you and find excuses.
Pres: Boss, you know I prefer Bon Jovi as the background music and can I be Mr Miyagi
Old Man: Not a problem bro, as along we agree that I will be Mr Brown
GuardHouse 2nd Shift Commander: I am fed up with you two. Everynight talking cock. Somemore, me and my men have to listen to the bullshit day in and day out. Can you guys fuck off from here.
Old Man: Ok lah, sorry, we are going.
Pres: How come you let the fellow get away like that.
Old Man: You are fine one to talk. You know that he has the confidence of both our wives and he is the one who got me the curfew.
Pres: Fucking no peace even outside the bedroom. Lets go have supper. I am dying for you know what
Old man: I too am thinking the same thing. Call Othman on the phone and pick us up at the Western wall.
Pres: We might have a problem. I heard that Mee Siam, Laksa and Bar Chor Mee all finishing fast. We have to hurry.
25 August 2006
115631.1
West Wing, the Jade Bedroom, 6.45am - Sun's ray creeping slowing across the room thru the french windows.
Mrs Pres: Deh, wake up, I heard something hit the windows. Can you check.
Pres: Please lah, you are hallucinating again. I did not hear it. Let me sleep another 5 minutes.
Mrs Pres: Aiyoh, I heard it again, someone is throwing stones at the window.
Pres: Let me check.
Old Man: psst, psst, meet me same place but at 10.15pm
Pres: ok
Mrs Pres: What was it
Pres: No lah, just the gardener clearing the ground below.
Behind the Guradhouse, 10.15pm, 22C, cool light breeze, smell of teh gayong drifting from the guardhouse with dash of laksa lemak hanging in the air
Pres: What's up. Why the hurry
Old Man: Sorry, I had to rush for my medical and my calendar was full and had to let you know early.
Pres: You know I alwasy will be here by 11pm if I am not at Ceylon Road
Old Man: Aiyah Bro, I am still under curfew. Got to get back by midnight and I got a lot on my mind.
Pres: What on your mind mind.
Old Man: Its Black Eyed Peas and their song "My Humps" continously playing in my mind. I havent' slept for 2 days. Its driving me crazy.
Pres: I got news for you - you are not the only one. I think half the nation is having that song played in their mind. Boss, but I got to tell you that stacy ferguson is one solid chick. Did you know that she got Red Indian blood in her mixed with Irish or something.
Old Man: Bro, you know I was never into pop culture until I saw fergie and now I am a hip hop fan. Its also easy on our bones as you only have to sway to the beat, no need to lift your feet.
Pres: I know, I know, cool ain't it.
Old man: Shit, Bro, you always side track me. I am serious. What can we do about Mr Brown.
Pres: Boss, you got to admit, both he and Mr Miyagi did a fabulous job with that podcast. Jean Paul Satre will be delighted. Did you know that kids love it but they have no clue but they are delighted that its the PM singing.
Old man: Look, I admit that HL made a mistake raising the Ba Chor mee epsiode, but this guys riposte was unbelievable. We are the laughing stock of the nation.
Pres: You know boss, if you think about it, compared to Mr Brown, Chee is harmless. Instead of chasing him from pillar to post, should have left him to his own devices. He does not resonate with the man in the street.
Old man: Aiyah, my whole world is topsy turvy. No other person including JB or Tang made us look this silly. We need to neutralise this and real quick.
Pres: I can tell you now that it will not happen.
Old man: Why not Bro.
Pres: We have achievers in Govt and in the civil service and we associate ourselves with achievers. Our gauge starts with perfect scores in the A Level and we don't make allowance for raw talent, the committed and the concern. Look how we responded to Mr Brown when his article came out in Today - no class, very brash and very authoritarian. Why do we pay someone so highly for writing trash
Old Man: We had to do it, he played outside the boundaries.
Pres: I know that and I also know that we had to cut him off. However as I said before - there are many ways to skin a cat but we don't have the talent to do it. For Heaven's sake, this guy publishes his family photos on the web. One look and you know he has the model family. We whack like he was dressed in storm tropper grab, with nazi insignias and tattoos. And that is not appreciated.
Old Man: So how Bro. Let him go?
Pres: Let start being transparent. Lets not hold parties in Zouk or to try to act cool, lets not wear white belt, white shoes and try to appear glam. Lets also not tell the people how we catch spiders and play with kampong kids. For christ sake, we got post 65 MPs telling about kampongs when most Singaporeans only remember HDB estates. Lets avoid Laksa, Mee Siam, Koh Loh Mee and Telok Tahu as well.
Old Man: I see your point. Lets not pretend who we are and lets bring in capbale people who might not have the formal grades.
Pres: Lets also give people like Chee a little space, he is a good diversion.
Old Man: You know WP and the rest of the AP have to be careful, they are now playing our game.
Pres: I won't even go there. Parliament has not even sat, yet Sylvia Lim is hopping the limelight.
Old Man: Yah, the media is not favouring us.
Pres: Pleeeez, those assholes buried HL good and proper coming out with the Mee Siam mai Hiam. Which idiot orders Mee Siam by saying that. Clearly they are trying to suck up and they also proved that they they have no clue about Hokkein, the food and what people do. At least HL had more class and sent in a correction. Those assholes still did not apologise to HL for making him look silly.
Old Man: I got a brilliant idea. Its a killer,Bro.
Pres: Oh No, don't try and assassinate Mr Brown.
Old man: No you idiot, lets slowly make him the editor of ST. We will kill 2 birds with one stone. Get rid of balls carrying assholes and put a genuine talent in their place.
Pres: Marvellous. Now I know why you are the boss.
Old man: I always knew I had it. In all my National Rallys, I always uncovered new grounds, did paradigm shifts and people took notice. I was the best.
Pres: Aiyah, you are loosing the plot. Its a digital age, podcast are in and we need the talent to mix music and come across well.
Old Man: Lets start now, I can borrow my granson's audio mixer, get couple of songs and do own podcast, blogs and we are in business. After all, all we do is talk cock.
Pres: Why don't we get Philip as well. He always seems to know the shortcuts. He might even entice Mr Miyagi to cross over
Old man: I want to do it the old fashion way. I am not interested in hiring foreign talent when we have not tried. Look at our Sports. We bring in talent and they are suing us desite doing shit. In sports you can't hide. If you did not win, you did not win and you are loser. No one can cover for you and find excuses.
Pres: Boss, you know I prefer Bon Jovi as the background music and can I be Mr Miyagi
Old Man: Not a problem bro, as along we agree that I will be Mr Brown
GuardHouse 2nd Shift Commander: I am fed up with you two. Everynight talking cock. Somemore, me and my men have to listen to the bullshit day in and day out. Can you guys fuck off from here.
Old Man: Ok lah, sorry, we are going.
Pres: How come you let the fellow get away like that.
Old Man: You are fine one to talk. You know that he has the confidence of both our wives and he is the one who got me the curfew.
Pres: Fucking no peace even outside the bedroom. Lets go have supper. I am dying for you know what
Old man: I too am thinking the same thing. Call Othman on the phone and pick us up at the Western wall.
Pres: We might have a problem. I heard that Mee Siam, Laksa and Bar Chor Mee all finishing fast. We have to hurry.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Tales from the Istana - Part 10 (Sammyboy)
by scrobal
21 August 2006
115221.1
Behind the Guardhouse: 11pm, 24C, strong winds from the East.
Old Man: Bro, get the ladder.
Pres: Is Othman coming
Old Man: No Lah, after the bomoh story he is not coming here. Its HL.
Pres: What happenned, did she throw him out of the bedroom again.
Aiyah, tell him to get personal protection order. This is getting too much.
Old Man : Shadup lah, this is serious, I asked him to come. We both got to help him. Its probably the worst political crisis we going to face. There may be riots soon.
Pres: Oh Fuck, Boss, don't tel me that it is the see hum fuckup.
Old Man: Yah Lah Bro. Pai seh. My mother is turning in her grave.
Old man: Hurry up lah, to the western wall.
Western Wall: 11.05pm
HL: psst, psst. Dad, you there
Old Man: Yah, hold on, M is raising the ladder. Meantime, scale up using the creepers.
Behind the Guardhouse:
Old man: What the hell happenned to you. Where mee siam got hum. You blursotong or wat?
HL: I meant Laksa. It was a slip
Old Man: Don't talk cock. When it comes to local dishes there is no such thing as a slip.
HL: No big issue. Some people might like hum in their mee siam
Old Man: Wahlow-ooh. You stupid or wat? You making my blood boil. Don't let me take out my belt and give you 5 of the best right here and now.
Pres: HL, this is indeed serious. Only food has kept this country united, nothing else has. We kept the prices of egg, pork, fruits cheap. You know why - if their stomach are full and the food is great, they are unlikely to start a revolution. Did you not realise that our basket of food in the CPI index is basically stagnant despite all other thing going sky high.
Old Man: Ever heard of pork briani, orange bandung, chicken pieces in Kway Teow.
HL: I ate Kway Teow in Australia with chicken pieces.
Old man: You going to get it now.
Pres: Easy boss, let me talk to him.
Pres: HL. You are the PM of Singapore. I expected better from you. Years ago, Keng Swee said that there is no sacred cows in politics. Well he was wrong. Food is a sacred cow. We can get Singaporeans to do 4 year NS, we can hang people for road rage, all we get in protest is a couple of jokers carrying placards. If the ST writes about disquiet, we challenge the journalist to name the ones who complained and they clamp up. Food on the other hand is a no go zone. When we first resettled people after the Bukit Ho Swee fire, they bought into the idea readily after we said that we will ensure that Tiong Bahru market will have the best hawker centre. Ever since all grassroots leader make sure that at any onetime there are no empty stalls in a hawker centre. Have you seen one before.
HL: How now.
Old man: I was thinking of getting him to resign to cut our losses.
HL:Pa. don't be like that Pa. Give me chance, can or not.
Pres: Aiyah, give him a chance. We will take him to our favourite food haunts and he will not screw up again.
HL: Actually what is mee siam. In Catholic High got no mee siam. But my favorite is Kway Teow with hum.
Old Man:: It not only the food, the other parts of the speech not swee also.
Pres: What are other part.
Old Man: Bro, wat the fuck we make you president and you don't know what he said.
Pres: I heard the speech but it sounded alright except for the hum in the mee siam
Old man: Do you know who is David Gan
Pres: who donno David. I ever go to him but he said that I look funny if I perm my hair because I too short. So one season I dye my hair but the guy quite ex you know.
Old man: Tell me, is he a foreign talent. For christ sake, no one has heard of him outside Singapore. Even the Malaysians got no clue about him. Any thinking man with half a brain will be wondering what the hell Philip Yeo was doing with the millions when we end up showcasing David Gan as a talent. Its a joke.
Pres: You are right boss. He also left out of Sammyboy. Go an mention Mr Brown, Talking cock .
HL: Wat is sammyboy huh?
Old man: HL, Sammyboy is the only forum that is not regulated or controlled. People speak their minds. They share their joy and their despair without having to be politically correct.If I want an honest opinion, I get it from Sammyboy. Try acting smart in sammyboy and they will cut yo down to size.
Pres: It is the most valuable gauge that this country has seen.
HL: I never heard of it.
Old Man: The trouble with you is that you allow that woman to install those internet filter to protect the kids and its blocks sammyblock.
HL How good is it.
Old man: Look, just the other day, I sent out a post on how long people use their underwear and I got many down to earth responses. Has ST ever done such a survey.
Pres: Yah, its a no holds barred forum. Even the ST regulary quotes from it.
HL: I thought Mr Brown was highwater mark for dissent.
Old Man: Pleese, that guy is a lovable chap. Any mother in law would love him. The guy has no evil bone in him.
HL: Oh Fuck. I think I really fucked up.
Pres: You know something, even Ah Goh speeches were more inspiring.
Old Man: So how, do we throw him out.
Pres: Wat about Choo
Old Man: You just killed my appetite for Bak Chor Mee. Ok forget about throwing him out. Plan B.
HL: Wat's Plan B.
Pres: I know, get the grassroots to get the hawkers to start putting hum in Mee Siam.
Old Man: I think I need to give you the 5 lashes. You need it more than HL.
HL: Maybe I send out a correction. You know I did it when I mention the word "fix" and Singaporeans accepted that.
Pres: You know I think he is right. It about time that we respect our citizens as equals.
Old Man: Give me the belt, you are really asking for it. You know I can out run you, you fat bastard.
21 August 2006
115221.1
Behind the Guardhouse: 11pm, 24C, strong winds from the East.
Old Man: Bro, get the ladder.
Pres: Is Othman coming
Old Man: No Lah, after the bomoh story he is not coming here. Its HL.
Pres: What happenned, did she throw him out of the bedroom again.
Aiyah, tell him to get personal protection order. This is getting too much.
Old Man : Shadup lah, this is serious, I asked him to come. We both got to help him. Its probably the worst political crisis we going to face. There may be riots soon.
Pres: Oh Fuck, Boss, don't tel me that it is the see hum fuckup.
Old Man: Yah Lah Bro. Pai seh. My mother is turning in her grave.
Old man: Hurry up lah, to the western wall.
Western Wall: 11.05pm
HL: psst, psst. Dad, you there
Old Man: Yah, hold on, M is raising the ladder. Meantime, scale up using the creepers.
Behind the Guardhouse:
Old man: What the hell happenned to you. Where mee siam got hum. You blursotong or wat?
HL: I meant Laksa. It was a slip
Old Man: Don't talk cock. When it comes to local dishes there is no such thing as a slip.
HL: No big issue. Some people might like hum in their mee siam
Old Man: Wahlow-ooh. You stupid or wat? You making my blood boil. Don't let me take out my belt and give you 5 of the best right here and now.
Pres: HL, this is indeed serious. Only food has kept this country united, nothing else has. We kept the prices of egg, pork, fruits cheap. You know why - if their stomach are full and the food is great, they are unlikely to start a revolution. Did you not realise that our basket of food in the CPI index is basically stagnant despite all other thing going sky high.
Old Man: Ever heard of pork briani, orange bandung, chicken pieces in Kway Teow.
HL: I ate Kway Teow in Australia with chicken pieces.
Old man: You going to get it now.
Pres: Easy boss, let me talk to him.
Pres: HL. You are the PM of Singapore. I expected better from you. Years ago, Keng Swee said that there is no sacred cows in politics. Well he was wrong. Food is a sacred cow. We can get Singaporeans to do 4 year NS, we can hang people for road rage, all we get in protest is a couple of jokers carrying placards. If the ST writes about disquiet, we challenge the journalist to name the ones who complained and they clamp up. Food on the other hand is a no go zone. When we first resettled people after the Bukit Ho Swee fire, they bought into the idea readily after we said that we will ensure that Tiong Bahru market will have the best hawker centre. Ever since all grassroots leader make sure that at any onetime there are no empty stalls in a hawker centre. Have you seen one before.
HL: How now.
Old man: I was thinking of getting him to resign to cut our losses.
HL:Pa. don't be like that Pa. Give me chance, can or not.
Pres: Aiyah, give him a chance. We will take him to our favourite food haunts and he will not screw up again.
HL: Actually what is mee siam. In Catholic High got no mee siam. But my favorite is Kway Teow with hum.
Old Man:: It not only the food, the other parts of the speech not swee also.
Pres: What are other part.
Old Man: Bro, wat the fuck we make you president and you don't know what he said.
Pres: I heard the speech but it sounded alright except for the hum in the mee siam
Old man: Do you know who is David Gan
Pres: who donno David. I ever go to him but he said that I look funny if I perm my hair because I too short. So one season I dye my hair but the guy quite ex you know.
Old man: Tell me, is he a foreign talent. For christ sake, no one has heard of him outside Singapore. Even the Malaysians got no clue about him. Any thinking man with half a brain will be wondering what the hell Philip Yeo was doing with the millions when we end up showcasing David Gan as a talent. Its a joke.
Pres: You are right boss. He also left out of Sammyboy. Go an mention Mr Brown, Talking cock .
HL: Wat is sammyboy huh?
Old man: HL, Sammyboy is the only forum that is not regulated or controlled. People speak their minds. They share their joy and their despair without having to be politically correct.If I want an honest opinion, I get it from Sammyboy. Try acting smart in sammyboy and they will cut yo down to size.
Pres: It is the most valuable gauge that this country has seen.
HL: I never heard of it.
Old Man: The trouble with you is that you allow that woman to install those internet filter to protect the kids and its blocks sammyblock.
HL How good is it.
Old man: Look, just the other day, I sent out a post on how long people use their underwear and I got many down to earth responses. Has ST ever done such a survey.
Pres: Yah, its a no holds barred forum. Even the ST regulary quotes from it.
HL: I thought Mr Brown was highwater mark for dissent.
Old Man: Pleese, that guy is a lovable chap. Any mother in law would love him. The guy has no evil bone in him.
HL: Oh Fuck. I think I really fucked up.
Pres: You know something, even Ah Goh speeches were more inspiring.
Old Man: So how, do we throw him out.
Pres: Wat about Choo
Old Man: You just killed my appetite for Bak Chor Mee. Ok forget about throwing him out. Plan B.
HL: Wat's Plan B.
Pres: I know, get the grassroots to get the hawkers to start putting hum in Mee Siam.
Old Man: I think I need to give you the 5 lashes. You need it more than HL.
HL: Maybe I send out a correction. You know I did it when I mention the word "fix" and Singaporeans accepted that.
Pres: You know I think he is right. It about time that we respect our citizens as equals.
Old Man: Give me the belt, you are really asking for it. You know I can out run you, you fat bastard.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Tales from the Istana - Part 9 (Sammyboy)
by scrobal
7 August 2006
113782.1
Behind Istana Guardhouse - 11pm, 24C, cool gentle breeze from NE. Smell of Teh Gayong drifiting from the guardhouse
Pres: I was hoping you would come. I want to talk about last night.
Old Man: bro, quick get the ladder, Othman will be waiting for us at the western wall. Hurry.
Pres: I am on it.
Western wall, Istana
Old man: Bang, you there.
Wok: Yah, boss.
Old Man: Bang, you have to climb the vine and climb down the ladder. We are not going out , you have to come in. I will explain later.
Wok: Oh Fuck, I am wearing sarong. Ok I try. Don't look up, not wearing underwear, very warm lah
Pres: Don 't worry I also don't wear underwear. Need to air the dick.
Behind the Guardhouse:
Old Man: Let me make it plain. Was Eddie there yesterday at Samy's
Pres: Yes and I tell you I could not sleep the whole night. I was tossing and turning, the Mrs kicked me out of bedroom. I ran to guardhouse and stayed there until day break.
Wok: Tell me about it. I dropped off Eddie and this morning when I woke up, my bed was wet with sweat.
Old Man: I knew it. When I reached home, I had goose pimples. Choo said that it was the same expression that I had when JB won Anson. She thought I went galavanting again and warned me the dangers of fraternising with Peidu mamas. She said that after new regulations, they are out in the streets. Now I kenna curfew. I can't go out after midnight and supper is out.
Pres: Bang, I remember you telling that you invited Eddie.
Old Man: To be sure, I also checked with the posting in Sammyboy, it also stated that you invited him.
Wok: Hey, I have no idea what happenned. All I know was Eddie was sitting with us and then I dropped him off with both of you in the car.
Old man: Shit, my mother told me not to go out during the hungry ghost month. Now we had it. Regret like fuck that I did not listen to her
Pres: Boss, why don't we throw a getai in the Istana
Old Man: good Idea Bro. We need to appease the spirits.Alamak, the king of Getai just died of cancer and Ah Nan arrested for drugs Bro. For the Istana, getai must have standard.
Wok: Like that how, want to call bomoh
Pres: Bang, the last time we called the Bomoh about the disappearing 6th hole flag, the guy ran away when he tried to nail the spirit to the tree.
Wok: What happenned.
Pres: The bomoh spotted a lot of nails on the tree and then we realised that all the trees had nails. Wah lan, we all ran for our lives.I tell you bro, I just lifted my sarong and sprinted all the way without looking back
Old Man: Now you know why the guards stay in the guardhouse and never patrol the ground at night. .
Wok: And you asked me to come to Istana without telling me all this.
Old Man: No choice, we have to find a place to rest Eddie's spririt.
Pres: Hey what about asking Dick Lee to do the getai.
Old Man: Brilliant idea, no wonder you are president.
Wok: Eddie will like it. Get Dick to do Fried Rice Paradise.
Old man: Lets get them to pitch a tent on the 6th green and we can also get rid of that spirit.
Wok: How do you explain this to the people. They will laugh at us.
Old man: This is no laughing matter. The seventh month is a serious matter in this country. Don't fuck around. I may have gone to cambridge with a name called Harry but this one don't play play.
Wok: I meant the Dick Lee part.
Pres: Aiyah, where have we told Singaporeans anything before. We control the media, we control the entertainment, shucks, we control everything. No one will know until Boss writes another book.
Old man: Ok, let not waste time. Bang, you are in charge of tent and logistics, Bro, you handle Dick Lee and the agenda for the night. .... Oh Fuck, you know next to nothing about arts and entertainment, better get Bang to do it and you look after the tent and logistics.
Pres: And may I ask what the hell you are in charge of.
Old man: I will handle media and communications
Pres: Boss, thats a fucking easy job. You know the journalist will not write anything. Even I can do that standing on one leg while ironing my sarong.
Old Man: Bro, you are getting too big for you breeches. Open your big fat mouth and i will tell your wife about smoking cheroot behind the guardhouse. By the way, when handling media I meant the internet like sammyboy, yawning bread, Mr Brown etc.
Pres: What about Xiaxue.
Old Man: Alamak, she is politically naive, no clue and her content is so trivial.
Pres: But got to say, chio.
Old Man: Have you seen her without makeup - a short arsewho thinks that she is god's give to mankind. I prefer iggy, got guts, nice tits too.
Wok: Hey fellas, we are talking about Eddie here. Forget about the SYTs
Old Man: Ok Lah, lets get cracking and come back again tomorrow and report progress.
WoK: I am certainly not coming back to the Istana. What about Changi village hawker centre. We can whack nasi Lemak.
Pres: Brilliant idea Bang, a man after my own heart.
Old Man: Ok I will tell Choo that I going to the Government Chalet to do work.
Pres: Bang, don't eat it at the first stall, that fella very ex, charge $2.50 while the others charge $2. The mackereal Otak Otak however is to die for. Voted the best in Singapore you know.
Wok: What do I tell Dick Lee.
Old Man: Friend, Dick lee is a creative fella, he would work it out. If he can handle Jacinta Abushinthegarden, he can handle anything.
Pres: Wahlan, did you see her on Singapore Idol, she look like she was high.
Old Man: Can you stick to the subject.
Pres: OK lah, do you want Pernakan food for the night or what
Old Man: I give up, you want to serve Pernakan food because Dick Lee is Pernakan, Its a getai, bodoh.
Old man: I better go back, curfew time.
7 August 2006
113782.1
Behind Istana Guardhouse - 11pm, 24C, cool gentle breeze from NE. Smell of Teh Gayong drifiting from the guardhouse
Pres: I was hoping you would come. I want to talk about last night.
Old Man: bro, quick get the ladder, Othman will be waiting for us at the western wall. Hurry.
Pres: I am on it.
Western wall, Istana
Old man: Bang, you there.
Wok: Yah, boss.
Old Man: Bang, you have to climb the vine and climb down the ladder. We are not going out , you have to come in. I will explain later.
Wok: Oh Fuck, I am wearing sarong. Ok I try. Don't look up, not wearing underwear, very warm lah
Pres: Don 't worry I also don't wear underwear. Need to air the dick.
Behind the Guardhouse:
Old Man: Let me make it plain. Was Eddie there yesterday at Samy's
Pres: Yes and I tell you I could not sleep the whole night. I was tossing and turning, the Mrs kicked me out of bedroom. I ran to guardhouse and stayed there until day break.
Wok: Tell me about it. I dropped off Eddie and this morning when I woke up, my bed was wet with sweat.
Old Man: I knew it. When I reached home, I had goose pimples. Choo said that it was the same expression that I had when JB won Anson. She thought I went galavanting again and warned me the dangers of fraternising with Peidu mamas. She said that after new regulations, they are out in the streets. Now I kenna curfew. I can't go out after midnight and supper is out.
Pres: Bang, I remember you telling that you invited Eddie.
Old Man: To be sure, I also checked with the posting in Sammyboy, it also stated that you invited him.
Wok: Hey, I have no idea what happenned. All I know was Eddie was sitting with us and then I dropped him off with both of you in the car.
Old man: Shit, my mother told me not to go out during the hungry ghost month. Now we had it. Regret like fuck that I did not listen to her
Pres: Boss, why don't we throw a getai in the Istana
Old Man: good Idea Bro. We need to appease the spirits.Alamak, the king of Getai just died of cancer and Ah Nan arrested for drugs Bro. For the Istana, getai must have standard.
Wok: Like that how, want to call bomoh
Pres: Bang, the last time we called the Bomoh about the disappearing 6th hole flag, the guy ran away when he tried to nail the spirit to the tree.
Wok: What happenned.
Pres: The bomoh spotted a lot of nails on the tree and then we realised that all the trees had nails. Wah lan, we all ran for our lives.I tell you bro, I just lifted my sarong and sprinted all the way without looking back
Old Man: Now you know why the guards stay in the guardhouse and never patrol the ground at night. .
Wok: And you asked me to come to Istana without telling me all this.
Old Man: No choice, we have to find a place to rest Eddie's spririt.
Pres: Hey what about asking Dick Lee to do the getai.
Old Man: Brilliant idea, no wonder you are president.
Wok: Eddie will like it. Get Dick to do Fried Rice Paradise.
Old man: Lets get them to pitch a tent on the 6th green and we can also get rid of that spirit.
Wok: How do you explain this to the people. They will laugh at us.
Old man: This is no laughing matter. The seventh month is a serious matter in this country. Don't fuck around. I may have gone to cambridge with a name called Harry but this one don't play play.
Wok: I meant the Dick Lee part.
Pres: Aiyah, where have we told Singaporeans anything before. We control the media, we control the entertainment, shucks, we control everything. No one will know until Boss writes another book.
Old man: Ok, let not waste time. Bang, you are in charge of tent and logistics, Bro, you handle Dick Lee and the agenda for the night. .... Oh Fuck, you know next to nothing about arts and entertainment, better get Bang to do it and you look after the tent and logistics.
Pres: And may I ask what the hell you are in charge of.
Old man: I will handle media and communications
Pres: Boss, thats a fucking easy job. You know the journalist will not write anything. Even I can do that standing on one leg while ironing my sarong.
Old Man: Bro, you are getting too big for you breeches. Open your big fat mouth and i will tell your wife about smoking cheroot behind the guardhouse. By the way, when handling media I meant the internet like sammyboy, yawning bread, Mr Brown etc.
Pres: What about Xiaxue.
Old Man: Alamak, she is politically naive, no clue and her content is so trivial.
Pres: But got to say, chio.
Old Man: Have you seen her without makeup - a short arsewho thinks that she is god's give to mankind. I prefer iggy, got guts, nice tits too.
Wok: Hey fellas, we are talking about Eddie here. Forget about the SYTs
Old Man: Ok Lah, lets get cracking and come back again tomorrow and report progress.
WoK: I am certainly not coming back to the Istana. What about Changi village hawker centre. We can whack nasi Lemak.
Pres: Brilliant idea Bang, a man after my own heart.
Old Man: Ok I will tell Choo that I going to the Government Chalet to do work.
Pres: Bang, don't eat it at the first stall, that fella very ex, charge $2.50 while the others charge $2. The mackereal Otak Otak however is to die for. Voted the best in Singapore you know.
Wok: What do I tell Dick Lee.
Old Man: Friend, Dick lee is a creative fella, he would work it out. If he can handle Jacinta Abushinthegarden, he can handle anything.
Pres: Wahlan, did you see her on Singapore Idol, she look like she was high.
Old Man: Can you stick to the subject.
Pres: OK lah, do you want Pernakan food for the night or what
Old Man: I give up, you want to serve Pernakan food because Dick Lee is Pernakan, Its a getai, bodoh.
Old man: I better go back, curfew time.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Tales from the Istana - Part 8 (Sammyboy)
by scrobal
6 August 2006
113709.1
Samy's Curry, East Coast Rd, Old Joo Chiat Police Stn: 10.00pm, 20C, aircon, soft Indian music permeating the air
Old Man: I say Bang, trust you to find a good spot.
Pres: Yah lah, good choice, Bang.
Wok: No one will recognise us here because the lights are dim
Old Man: I thought it was in dempsey road, did they shift.
Wok: 2nd outlet
Old Man: Did you know every tom, dick and harry in Govt used to go to Samy's at least once a month. Sometime our cainet meeting gets screwed up because these buggers eat a lot and then can't keep a awake.
Wok: thats why they called it "pukul mati"
Pres: Boss, I think we can speak more freely here. In case you did not realise none of our conversations appear in sammyboy when we scale the Istana wall and leave for supper.
Old Man: You are right. ActuallyI told Bang to pick us up early from the western wall to provide a change of scenery. Quite borring that the tales always start at the Istana Guardhouse. After what you said, maybe I screwed it up.
Pres: Aiyah, good opportunity to ask some personal question. Bang, do you use viagra.
Wok: no lah, gua natural. Look after your body and sleep early to give it a good rest. That's why I was pleased when Harry called and asked me to come early. By the way, I called Eddie. He said if he can get a lift, he will drop by.
Old Man: Look, no doctor will give an old man viagara. Your best chance is across the causeway.
Pres: you lucky, your daughter is a doctor.
Old Man: Friend, I told you many times, I only climax every 5 years when we win the election.
Old Man: By the way, did you see our SPH Malaysia bureau chief article on facts and fiction on the internet.
Pres: Good work and covered all angles without imposing his own agenda. Some more did not talk about a journalist holding the monopoly on information exchange like some dumb prick that we have here.
Wok: Why you fellas still in politics. Give it rest. There is a time and place for everything. Learn to smell roses, let others take over. Ahhhh, he is Eddie. Good to see you Ed. Here, sit sit here and give me your walking stick.
Eddie: Wah lan, how come got reunion. Good to see you fuckers.
Old Man: so how are you. Who dropped you off.
Eddie: Tired of waiting for the family, I just called a cab. Not bad, the guy spoke English, certainly better than the school principals that we have.
Old Man: Eddie, don't start. You and Raja gave me hell everytime I raised the language issue in cabinet.
Eddie : You explain to me why the standard of written and spoken english has dropped so badly.
Old Man: Aiyah, why look at me, I don't run the show anymore.
Pres: Boss, pleeez - you are still in cabinet
Old man: Bro, don't be an arsehole.
WoK: Also don't be like like Mahathir, retire but give heavy artillery from the sidelines
Old Man:that not my style.
Eddie: So when will you place your trust with Singaporeans
Old man: Guys, let be fair here. Isn't Singapore a better place by most standards
Eddie: That's my point. When will you trust Singaporeans to take over from you.
Pres: Hey, the Madras mutton is getting cold and no one is eating it.
Wok: Bro, its a dynamite in your body. Just stick to Chicken and fish.
Old Man: Fellas, I already have a stent in me, I get one more bloackage and Choo will know that I have been scaling the fence again. I have to pass. You kin wacked with a frying pan once, and beleive me, you will toe the line.
Eddie: I too pass, can't chew anymore, the gigi will fly if attack from the wrong angle.
Pres: You guys can sure screw up a good meal. I just lost my appetite.
Wok: Eddie I was telling these bozos to take it easy. When there was a fight we were there. Remember KL - Raja, Keng Swee, Ah Chye and you Eddie writing the separation agreement. We fought hard, got a compromise and we began building the country.
Eddie: I don't think we finished what we started. We did not integrate singapore into a homogenenous society: We are still separated by race and religion.
Old Man: Ok Eddie, let me tell you where I have failed. Its is exactly that. And I will be honest, I can't work out the solution. Its a political timebomb. I thought I was gong to be assasinated when I closed down the Chinese stream education in 81 and merged Nanthah and Nus.
Eddie: So what's next
Old Man: You know when we started on this journey in 65, the Malay community spoke Malay predominently, Chinese began speaking English while Indians spoke english competently and the Eurasions had their distinct brand of English. The written form was universal British Straits Settlement version. In 2003, the Malays speak English within the household and in their community except in the presence of their elders. The Chinese have resorted to Mandarin as their medium and the Indians have lost their command of English. Get into a bus, the MRT, the foodcourt and you will realise the change and I can't figure it out. Read the forum page, more mina and mahchik writing with good english. Seems that Malay will be the new elite. By the way, Eddie can't you your Gragoh gang to take care of the ball licking nitwit Lionel.
Wok: So how.
Old Man: I thought we will evole like the US, Australia, UK where second generation migrants speak very good English and in the same style. Here however we still can tell the race by the way the language is spoken and even written.
Wok: We need a truly Singaporean identity
Eddie: Spot on. Something that the people are proud of.
Pres: I always suggested use our food as our national identifier.
Old Man: Bro, can you shut the fuck-up. Stop thinking with your stomach. You sound like STPB, who still can't think out of the box.
Eddie: What about the orchid
Old Man: NTUC fucked it up. They ran it up the flagpole and now people think that the Orchid motiff is NTUC coporate wardrope. There is still the Singapore girl in her Sarong Kebaya, the merlion, we lost bugis street but after that the well dries up.
Eddie: It reminds me of Yeo Hiap Seng. Soya bean was a winner and its was homegrown and it took only until recently for them to realise that the local coconut with pulp in a can is saleable.
Wok: what about chysanthemum tea.
Harry: Aiyah, thats from China. Eddie you are right. They had chicken curry in a can and they had it long before the Indians in Britain built up an empire on canned and package curries. We always seem to find out solutions elsewhere.
Pres: Not to mention our fucked up journalists. Instead of contributing with original ideas and thoughts, they will ask how high everytime we asked them to jump.
Wok: Frankly have our journalist ever contributed any ideas.
Eddie: I always felt that we should open our media and if they err, we correct them, if they don't listen let our boys in ISD sort them out.
Pres: Yah lah, ISD is so fucking bored that will jump in. Lets also get the bastard who keeps recording our conversations and lock him up as well.
Old Man: Bro, don't be fucking idiot. You want to lock him about for reporting ad verbatim what we said.
Pres: oh oh, ok.
Wok: I don't get it Eddie, you want to open it up and then use the ISD.
Eddie: What I am saying is that we have to be brave and open. Take the gamble for the sake of the nation's sanity. I am confident that there will be sensible people. If its gets bad, we still got the laws to tackle the crazies.
Eddie: Look at the Mr Brown incident. The reaction and the letter from little Ms B was overboard, venomous and below the belt. I thought she got personally raped by Mr Brown. If we had people with better english and brains, we would have cut him off, with subtle but suave use of the language. Instead we used a sledgehammer, pile driver, hydraulic jack and then yanked his column.
Waiter: Hello, closing time, can finish up or not.
Harry: Hey how come like that.
Wok: Aiyah, foreign talent, he has no clue who we are. Life has changed.
Wok: Eddie, I will drop you off after I drop these jokers off at the Istana.
Harry: No lah, send Eddie first. Even we go back both to the Istana, both of us will still talk cock behind the guardhouse.
Eddie: Can I join in.
Wok: Eddie these buggers still talking about saving singapore till they die. Somemore how you can climb in your condition and with the walking stick.
Eddie : Ok lah, send me back.
Pres: How we can divide up the bill.
Old Man: Eh, I did not bring the wallet
Pres: Boss, I am sick of your excuses. You already owe me for so many suppers.
Old man: Ok lah, pay day coming soon, I will pay up. You are fucking worse thah Ah Long San and the Chettiars put together.
6 August 2006
113709.1
Samy's Curry, East Coast Rd, Old Joo Chiat Police Stn: 10.00pm, 20C, aircon, soft Indian music permeating the air
Old Man: I say Bang, trust you to find a good spot.
Pres: Yah lah, good choice, Bang.
Wok: No one will recognise us here because the lights are dim
Old Man: I thought it was in dempsey road, did they shift.
Wok: 2nd outlet
Old Man: Did you know every tom, dick and harry in Govt used to go to Samy's at least once a month. Sometime our cainet meeting gets screwed up because these buggers eat a lot and then can't keep a awake.
Wok: thats why they called it "pukul mati"
Pres: Boss, I think we can speak more freely here. In case you did not realise none of our conversations appear in sammyboy when we scale the Istana wall and leave for supper.
Old Man: You are right. ActuallyI told Bang to pick us up early from the western wall to provide a change of scenery. Quite borring that the tales always start at the Istana Guardhouse. After what you said, maybe I screwed it up.
Pres: Aiyah, good opportunity to ask some personal question. Bang, do you use viagra.
Wok: no lah, gua natural. Look after your body and sleep early to give it a good rest. That's why I was pleased when Harry called and asked me to come early. By the way, I called Eddie. He said if he can get a lift, he will drop by.
Old Man: Look, no doctor will give an old man viagara. Your best chance is across the causeway.
Pres: you lucky, your daughter is a doctor.
Old Man: Friend, I told you many times, I only climax every 5 years when we win the election.
Old Man: By the way, did you see our SPH Malaysia bureau chief article on facts and fiction on the internet.
Pres: Good work and covered all angles without imposing his own agenda. Some more did not talk about a journalist holding the monopoly on information exchange like some dumb prick that we have here.
Wok: Why you fellas still in politics. Give it rest. There is a time and place for everything. Learn to smell roses, let others take over. Ahhhh, he is Eddie. Good to see you Ed. Here, sit sit here and give me your walking stick.
Eddie: Wah lan, how come got reunion. Good to see you fuckers.
Old Man: so how are you. Who dropped you off.
Eddie: Tired of waiting for the family, I just called a cab. Not bad, the guy spoke English, certainly better than the school principals that we have.
Old Man: Eddie, don't start. You and Raja gave me hell everytime I raised the language issue in cabinet.
Eddie : You explain to me why the standard of written and spoken english has dropped so badly.
Old Man: Aiyah, why look at me, I don't run the show anymore.
Pres: Boss, pleeez - you are still in cabinet
Old man: Bro, don't be an arsehole.
WoK: Also don't be like like Mahathir, retire but give heavy artillery from the sidelines
Old Man:that not my style.
Eddie: So when will you place your trust with Singaporeans
Old man: Guys, let be fair here. Isn't Singapore a better place by most standards
Eddie: That's my point. When will you trust Singaporeans to take over from you.
Pres: Hey, the Madras mutton is getting cold and no one is eating it.
Wok: Bro, its a dynamite in your body. Just stick to Chicken and fish.
Old Man: Fellas, I already have a stent in me, I get one more bloackage and Choo will know that I have been scaling the fence again. I have to pass. You kin wacked with a frying pan once, and beleive me, you will toe the line.
Eddie: I too pass, can't chew anymore, the gigi will fly if attack from the wrong angle.
Pres: You guys can sure screw up a good meal. I just lost my appetite.
Wok: Eddie I was telling these bozos to take it easy. When there was a fight we were there. Remember KL - Raja, Keng Swee, Ah Chye and you Eddie writing the separation agreement. We fought hard, got a compromise and we began building the country.
Eddie: I don't think we finished what we started. We did not integrate singapore into a homogenenous society: We are still separated by race and religion.
Old Man: Ok Eddie, let me tell you where I have failed. Its is exactly that. And I will be honest, I can't work out the solution. Its a political timebomb. I thought I was gong to be assasinated when I closed down the Chinese stream education in 81 and merged Nanthah and Nus.
Eddie: So what's next
Old Man: You know when we started on this journey in 65, the Malay community spoke Malay predominently, Chinese began speaking English while Indians spoke english competently and the Eurasions had their distinct brand of English. The written form was universal British Straits Settlement version. In 2003, the Malays speak English within the household and in their community except in the presence of their elders. The Chinese have resorted to Mandarin as their medium and the Indians have lost their command of English. Get into a bus, the MRT, the foodcourt and you will realise the change and I can't figure it out. Read the forum page, more mina and mahchik writing with good english. Seems that Malay will be the new elite. By the way, Eddie can't you your Gragoh gang to take care of the ball licking nitwit Lionel.
Wok: So how.
Old Man: I thought we will evole like the US, Australia, UK where second generation migrants speak very good English and in the same style. Here however we still can tell the race by the way the language is spoken and even written.
Wok: We need a truly Singaporean identity
Eddie: Spot on. Something that the people are proud of.
Pres: I always suggested use our food as our national identifier.
Old Man: Bro, can you shut the fuck-up. Stop thinking with your stomach. You sound like STPB, who still can't think out of the box.
Eddie: What about the orchid
Old Man: NTUC fucked it up. They ran it up the flagpole and now people think that the Orchid motiff is NTUC coporate wardrope. There is still the Singapore girl in her Sarong Kebaya, the merlion, we lost bugis street but after that the well dries up.
Eddie: It reminds me of Yeo Hiap Seng. Soya bean was a winner and its was homegrown and it took only until recently for them to realise that the local coconut with pulp in a can is saleable.
Wok: what about chysanthemum tea.
Harry: Aiyah, thats from China. Eddie you are right. They had chicken curry in a can and they had it long before the Indians in Britain built up an empire on canned and package curries. We always seem to find out solutions elsewhere.
Pres: Not to mention our fucked up journalists. Instead of contributing with original ideas and thoughts, they will ask how high everytime we asked them to jump.
Wok: Frankly have our journalist ever contributed any ideas.
Eddie: I always felt that we should open our media and if they err, we correct them, if they don't listen let our boys in ISD sort them out.
Pres: Yah lah, ISD is so fucking bored that will jump in. Lets also get the bastard who keeps recording our conversations and lock him up as well.
Old Man: Bro, don't be fucking idiot. You want to lock him about for reporting ad verbatim what we said.
Pres: oh oh, ok.
Wok: I don't get it Eddie, you want to open it up and then use the ISD.
Eddie: What I am saying is that we have to be brave and open. Take the gamble for the sake of the nation's sanity. I am confident that there will be sensible people. If its gets bad, we still got the laws to tackle the crazies.
Eddie: Look at the Mr Brown incident. The reaction and the letter from little Ms B was overboard, venomous and below the belt. I thought she got personally raped by Mr Brown. If we had people with better english and brains, we would have cut him off, with subtle but suave use of the language. Instead we used a sledgehammer, pile driver, hydraulic jack and then yanked his column.
Waiter: Hello, closing time, can finish up or not.
Harry: Hey how come like that.
Wok: Aiyah, foreign talent, he has no clue who we are. Life has changed.
Wok: Eddie, I will drop you off after I drop these jokers off at the Istana.
Harry: No lah, send Eddie first. Even we go back both to the Istana, both of us will still talk cock behind the guardhouse.
Eddie: Can I join in.
Wok: Eddie these buggers still talking about saving singapore till they die. Somemore how you can climb in your condition and with the walking stick.
Eddie : Ok lah, send me back.
Pres: How we can divide up the bill.
Old Man: Eh, I did not bring the wallet
Pres: Boss, I am sick of your excuses. You already owe me for so many suppers.
Old man: Ok lah, pay day coming soon, I will pay up. You are fucking worse thah Ah Long San and the Chettiars put together.
